Ethereal Weapon
by Syroc
Summary: Nothing Serious To Be Found Here. It's the Lancer and Archer buddy-cop movie that was never made! Bask in the weird!
1. ONE

**Ethereal Weapon**

_Dateline 20XX, September 29th, Fuyuki City_

_The world was shocked this afternoon when a spokesman (Waver Velvet) from the Magical Pictures Association revealed earlier today that child-actress Ilyasviel von Einzbern was kidnapped earlier this morning by unknown assailants. Little else is known at this junction, and the Fuyuki City Police Department is now accepting tips from the general public._

_Ilyasviel was in production for the upcoming film "The Magical Princess and the Mystery of the Kaleido-Prism", but vanished on her way to the set._

_"This is a huge tragedy," her grandfather, Justeaze Lizrich von Einzbern said to our star reporter, Bazette Fraga McRemitz. "My granddaughter was a living miracle to us: her movies and acting was going to bring our family to prominence once again! I can only imagine how future generations will view her. Certainly as the holy grail of all child-actors, if not more."_

_The FCPD are taking an aggressive stance on this, and according to their public relations officer Tohsaka Rin has publicly announced the two officers in charge of the case: Shirou Archer, (who was called back into service after his forced resignation detailed in his best-seller self-biography: "Ethics and Ideals: Why You Shouldn't Have Any",) and Cuchulainn Lancer, world-famous "Super-Cop", who was drafted by Interpol especially for this case._

_We here at the Eighth Assembly Publishing hope for this case to be resolved as soon as possible, and until then our prayers go out to friends and family._

_This broadcast was sponsored by the DAA-association. Remember children: regular blood donations are every citizen's civic duty!_

* * *

*_Meanwhile, in Fuyuki City_*

_**Vrroooooom!**_

So said the engine of the cherry-red Jaguar 911, which roared through the streets of Fuyuki City like the chariot of a drunken, angry thundergod. People froze midstride as they heard it approach, and as the sound only grew louder and louder they began looking for cover only for the car to fly past them. (Sometimes quite literally as the car took air once it cleared small rises in the road.)

"_Vroooom!"_ said the driver of said vehicle, namely Cuchulainn Lancer. who then burst into raucous laughter. "Haha! This is great! I haven't had this much fun in a city since that one time S'Cathy and I busted that pharmaceutical smuggling ring a few years back! I was loopy for weeks!"

"You know," Shirou Archer said calmly, completely unaffected by his partner's reckless abandon. "We would probably get in a lot of trouble if you crashed," he narrowed his eyes, spotting someone crossing the road several streets ahead. "... Or hit someone," he added.

"Oh, pish-tosh!" Lancer dismissed, just as the pedestrian threw themselves out of the way with a terrified scream. "It's not like we're moving slow enough or people to get a good look at us, are we? Besides, I thought you had a hot lead on who the kidnapper is."

Archer gave out a long-suffering sigh of somebody who has just realized that he they have been partnered up with someone who was only going to listen to every other word that anybody else was saying and had no choice but to suffer through this. It was either that, or Rin was going to have his *ss. He didn't know how the teenaged girl masquerading as the police department's public relation's officer (a position that hadn't existed until she'd created it, somehow,) would do it, but he knew from experience that such threats were best taken into consideration.

"Just a regular lead," he said patiently. "More of a hunch, really. The owner of the high-society cocktail lounge, Gates of Babylon."

"Eh?" Lancer grunted, never once slowing down even as he turned to look at Archer. "You mean Gilgamesh Godschild? I hear he's rich enough to buy every nation in the world with just his pocket change. Why would kidnap Ilyasviel von Einzbern?"

"Because he has a thing for Lolita?" Archer quipped with a wry grin and an arched eyebrow. When Lancer scoffed at this, Archer gave a small nod and continued. "Gilgamesh likes to play by his own rules, and has been involved in some pretty shady dealings in the past. Nothing that we can prove, of course, but he's still not somebody we can ignore.

Lancer nodded at this, and looked back at the road once more before swerving to the car to the side in order to avoid colliding into a fruit-stand. This in turn would have caused them crash into a streetlamp had Lancer not drifted the car just past it, the scream of the tires as they slid across the pavement managing to overpower that of the engine's roar for just a moment before they managed to regain traction and the car was once more sent barreling through the streets of Fuyuki City.

"Makes as much sense as anything, I suppose," Lancer said with perfect calm, clearly unaffected by his near-brush with death.

"... You aren't going to slow down, are you?" Archer asked, sounding just as unaffected but genuinely curious.

"Nope!" Lancer said, and laughed again. "Life is more fun this way, don't you think? Hey, you think we can hit the Gates up for some drinks while we're there?"

"... Only if I get to drive once we're done," Archer answered, and with an expression of boredom as he put an elbow out the side of the car and rested his head on his fist.

"Jeez, you're no fu- oh hey, is that the place?" Lancer asked, spotting something in the distance.

"Does it look like a giant golden palace with palm-trees?" Archer asked, sounding disinterested.

"Yeah," came the reply.

"Then that's the place."

"Great!" Lancer exclaimed, and quickly buckled his seatbelt. "Grab a hold of something!"

And without further warning Lancer swerved the car violently to the side, causing it to enter into a spin. The world rushed around them in a dizzying blur, all while Lancer laughed madly.

Strangely, this did not result in the car crashing into anything. Nor did it flip over and kill them both. No, what happened was that the car effortlessly spun in between two parked cars and then stopped, completely unharmed.

"Right then," Lancer said, and hopped out of the car. Somehow, in doing so he produced an intricately adorned spear that oozed malevolence like blood from a wound. "Let's go fight crime!"


	2. Why Was Archer Retired?

**Why Was Archer Retired?**

"Are you going to tell me where you hid the weapons?" Archer asked calmly, and took a sip from his cup of tea. "Or am I going to have help you some more? We're still out of disinfectant, so for the time being I'll just have to keep using this salt to clean your wounds. We're also out of bandages, but we have plenty of duct tape. It'll hurt coming off, but you don't mind, do you? After all, if you hadn't resisted arrest so hard I wouldn't have had to hurt you so much."

"MmmphHMMmmrmmnHMPH!"

"What's that? I can't understand you. Someone taped your mouth shut. I can't tell if you want to tell me something important or not. You're going to have to try harder." Archer said patiently.

"HMMMMPH! HMMMPH!"

"Hey, that sounded like you were trying to say 'help'!" Archer said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I guess your wounds are much more serious than I'd thought. Sorry about that. But don't worry! I'll begin treatment immediately, and I won't let anyone stop me! I _care_ _too much_ about you for that!"

"HMMPH! HMMMMPH!"

A half hour later Archer had calmly announced that he knew where the local yakuza had hidden their stash of weapons, and led a massive raid that had crippled the local gang and put an end to their nefarious plot to kidnap the prime minister's daughter. For a whole fifteen minutes, Archer was the triumphant king of the police force.

Then someone had discovered just how Archer had found out the location, and that was when the lawsuits had started.


	3. TWO

**Ethereal Weapon**

_Dateline 20XX, September 30th, Fuyuki City_

_The city's vigilante pair "Swords and Saber" strike again as yet another local criminal was left tied up at the front steps of the FCPD with a post-it note on their forehead with the words "I am a burglar, please arrest me before I commit another crime" written on it._

_This marks the fourth criminal that the FCPD has had to release back into the public due to lack of evidence, and yet another assault charge leveled at the pair. _

_"While it is commendable for ordinary citizens to be civilly-minded, we of course do not condone or approve of the actions of the masked vigilante pair 'Swords and Saber'," was what public relations officer Tohsaka Rin said on the matter. (This reporter must also inform the listener that Ms. Tohsaka possesses a most fearsome smile.) "And it is for this reason that we would advise the pair to stop being idiots and put an end to their troublemaking," she went on to say._

_The masked pair are the talk of the town, though many wonder why they continue their fruitless efforts. Until they have been apprehended, however, we can only wonder._

_This broadcast was sponsored by the Vatican Burial Agency. The Vatican Burial Agency: now accepting donations of curry! Because curry is love._

* * *

"Whoa, swanky place," Lancer remarked as he and his partner were shown into the reception hall of the Gates of Babylon.

'Swanky' did not do the Gates of Babylon justice. Nor did the words 'fancy', 'ostentatious', 'resplendent' or even 'magnificent'. Mere words were not sufficient to describe it: the room was simply perfect in every way imaginable, and also a few that weren't.

Pristine pentelic marble floors were polished so finely that they acted like mirrors, which was quite handy as the ceilings had been lavishly painted to depict classical scenes of ancient myth in a baroque style while massive chandeliers constructed from shining gold and glittering crystal dropped down to shower the room with light. Ancient tapestries decked the walls, and in the center of the room there was a solid gold statue of the man himself, Gilgamesh Godschild, decked out in armour and striking a heroic pose.

It was all very pretty.

"Huh," Lancer grunted, looking up at the beautiful array of crystalline chandeliers above him with a calculating eye. "You think that if Gilgamesh is the guy who kidnapped Ilyasviel, we'd have to swing around on those at some point?"

"Possibly," Archer said, and waved to summon the maître d's attention. "But only if Gilgamesh is our man."

The exquisitely uniformed man gave a tiny twitch of his immaculately trimmed mustache to show his disdain before condescending to speak to two lowly officers.

Archer wasted no time in getting straight to the point.

"Hello, I am officer Shirou Archer, and this is my partner Cuchulainn Lancer," he said in introduction, and then pressed on. "We would like to speak to your employer, Mr. Godschild, in order to see if he might aid us in our investigations."

The maître d made a strained smile, and gave a small bow before gesturing them to proceed towards a lavishly decorated double staircase.

"Perfectly fine, sirs," he acquiesced, somehow managing to convey that the exact opposite while saying it. "Please, just up those stairs and to the right, you will arrive at my master's office."

'_Go away, you filthy rabble ,'_ his eyes said.

"Thank you for your assistance," Archer said, and without further delay started towards the staircase.

Lancer, apparently deciding he'd had enough of admiring the scenery, followed suit.

"Ah, excuse me sir!" the glorified waiter said hastily, looking at Lancer. "Would you perhaps allow me the honour of taking care of your... _most remarkable_ weapon?"

Lancer looked like he was considering this, but soon shrugged.

"No, that's fine," he said companionably. "I think I'd prefer to hold onto it, if it's all the same to you."

The man frowned almost imperceptibly, and tried again.

"We are not in the habit of allowing guests to be so openly armed, sir,"

Lancer nodded at this, and shouldered his spear.

"That sounds like a good idea," he complimented, and gave a small nod. "If I see anybody carrying a weapon, I'll be sure to confiscate it."

"Sir, I really must protest-"

"Sorry, can't stay," Lancer interrupted, and bounded up the stairs in order to catch up to Archer. "Crimes to solve, people to arrest, you know how it goes! I'll drop off any weapons I find with you on my way out!"

"Sir-!"

As promised, Gilgamesh Godschild's office was easily found, and was just as perfectly decorated as the first floor had been. For the sake of brevity, however, there were only four things worth nothing about the room:

The room looked more like an old-fashioned study than it did an office.

There were walls of polished rare, dark woods, and antique lamps mounted on them.

There were heads exotic animals, stuffed and mounted on the walls.

There were many leatherbound books. Lots and lots of them, carefully placed into a massive bookcase that covered almost the entirety of one wall.

Gilgamesh Godschild was sitting at his desk and inspecting a thick ledger. His eyes never rose from the pages as he responded to the intrusion on his privacy.

"Shirou Archer," the golden magnate greeted coolly, and closed his ledger with slow deliberation. "Tell me, how does it feel to know that you're only a fake cop, to be kicked off the force again once you finish your job?"

"Just like it did when I interrogated your associate," Archer said. "Like I was about to do some good, no matter the cost."

"Now now," Gilgamesh chided with a smug smile. "I was proven innocent of all charges, if you recall. _Clearly_ I was in no way involved in supplying those lowborn thugs with the weapons they would need to attack that young lady's security guards."

"Oh, I'm sure it was clear _after_ you got done having the evidence tampered with and my witnesses killed," Archer accused.

Gilgamesh's smile widened, and he reached over to a small drink-tray at the side of his desk and poured himself a glass of wine.

"You say that as if your feeble attempt ever stood a chance of hurting my operations," Gilgamesh said, and chuckled darkly. "You should have known that the effort was wasted. That's all a fake cop like you can manage: to fail where it matters most."

"Uhh," Lancer interjected, feeling a bit out of his depth. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Ancient history," Gilgamesh summarized simply, and took a sip of his wine. "I suppose you two have come to waste my time with questions about this Einzbern girl, haven't you?"

"That was the plan," Archer said, and took a seat in one of the chairs that stood at the opposite side of Gilgamesh's desk. "I don't suppose you have anything you'd like to share, do you?"

"You aren't going to offer us a glass of wine, are you?" Lancer asked, sounding a bit disappointed about this. He was completely ignored by both Gilgamesh and Archer.

"Unfortunately for you, I had nothing to do with this travesty," the entrepreneur quipped, and smirked. "But I _do_ have some good news for you. And that is _not_ for you, you filthy mongrel scum!"

The last sentence was hissed out as Gilgamesh slapped Lancer's hands away from his wine.

"What's the problem?" Lancer asked resentfully, rubbing the spot he had been slapped. "There's nothing wrong with sharing a drink or two, is there? I mean, we're being friendly, aren't we?

"This brew is fit for _kings_, not your kind," he growled out, glaring at the dark-haired officer. "Try it again, and I'll have the skin off your hands to make a second pair of gloves that I will never wear."

"You mentioned good news?" Archer asked, completely nonplussed by the threat.

"What? Oh. That," Gilgamesh was distracted from his murderous outrage by this, and his voice regained its earlier calm. He cleared his throat before continuing. "I was recently contacted by a contact of mine. Apparently there's a few new faces lurking around town: the Matou. If anyone would know where your child-actor is, I should think it would be them. They haven't been here long enough to know not to do that sort of thing."

Nobody said anything for a moment, an air of tenseness setting in as both Archer weighed this in. And then Archer nodded, apparently having finished the "Bullsh*t to the Genuine Article" equation, and finding something amiss about it all.

"You're certain of this?" Archer asked seriously, watching Gilgamesh like a hawk. "You're _certain_ that these... Matou, are involved in the kidnapping?"

Gilgamesh shrugged, leaning back into his throne of an armchair and lounging luxuriously into the cushion.

"Of course I'm not," he said disdainfully, and took a sip of wine from his glass. "I do not concern myself with the affairs of such trash. I merely take note of its existence, and if it is too much of an eyesore I remove it. That is, however, all the aid you will be receiving from me."

The way he said it left little doubt as to what was meant by 'remove'.

"Well, then I suppose there's only one thing that we can do," Archer said, and sighed. "Enjoy your afternoon, Mr. Godschild."

"Wha- we're going to just _take_ this BS?" Lancer demanded.

"Yes," Archer said calmly. "I don't have enough proof to do anything else. And besides, these 'Matou' might know something about all this."

Gilgamesh smirked, and waved them away with his free hand.

"That's just the story of your life, isn't it you fake-cop?" he asked snidely, and drained the rest of his glass. "There's never enough evidence."

"... There will be this time," Archer growled, turning his back on the golden magnate and leaving.

"Jeez, we didn't stab _anybody_," Lancer grumbled dourly, shouldering his spear again while following after his partner. "What a waste of time."


	4. THREE

**Ethereal Weapon**

_Dateline 20XX, October 1st, Fuyuki City_

_With the news of child actress Ilyasviel's kidnapping, many other families are stepping forward to report that their own children have gone missing. Fuyuki City is growing tenser each day as its citizenship is confronted with the possibility of a mass kidnapping._

_"I thought my son was only missing, but to discover that he is only one of many such cases fills me with dread. Just what is going on in this city?" these were the words of one concerned parent who recently learned of the true magnitude of the situation here._

_Tohsaka Rin was not available for comment on the matter, but we were assured that the matter was being looked into with great concern._

_Investigations are continuing as we speak, and we are reliably informed that Shirou Archer and Cuchulainn Lancer are making progress into the discovering the whereabouts of the missing children._

_And just so that you're not left with only bad feelings, here's a video of a monkey doing kung-fu. Isn't that delightful!_

_This broadcast was sponsored by Atlas Alchemicals. Atlas Alchemicals: we turn garbage into gold!_

* * *

Lancer's sports car wasn't just capable of blinding speeds and deafening roars.

It was also able to coast along with a gentle purr of its engines, causing ladies left and right to turn their heads in admiration (and perhaps even desire,) of the handsome men that were riding it.

Of course, the ladies around here possessed a rather _flexible_ affection even at the best of times. Negotiable, even. The area was notorious for it. If people hadn't known, the ladies in question would have had to advertise this knowledge, perhaps with a red lamp.

"... Why are we cruising for ladies at the harbor district?" Archer asked, sounding genuine confused about this.

"Hey, if _anybody's_ going to know about a new crime family, it's going to be these ladies," Lancer defended, and smiled winningly at a particularly appealing young woman. "New families have a limited amount of opportunities to get into a country, y'know, and one of the more reliable methods is by ship, because who's going to check all container units? And they can always commandeer the ship and dispose of the crew once they're out at sea and take their identities. And of course, once they get ashore they always want to find their landlegs, ifyouknowwhatImean!" Lancer said the part with a knowing, almost lecherous grin, before he devolved into juvenile giggling.

"... I'm shocked," archer said slowly and sincerely, looking at his partner in alarm. "I would never have thought it."

"What, that sailors go out looking for tail when they come to port?" Lancer asked, sounding surprised himself. "You don't get out much, do you? Here, how about once we're done with this case, we go out and find you someone to-"

"Dear gods in heaven, _no! __**No!**_" Archer shouted, an almost imperceptible blush on his cheeks, and then scowled. "I wasn't talking about _that_! I was just surprised that you actually knew something useful."

"Hey, just because I know how to have a good time doesn't mean that I don't know how to kick more ass than a god of kicking ass, or how to get the lowdown on some of the scum that lurks- hang on, isn't that your boss?"

"Huh?" Archer asked, surprised at the sudden question. "My- but there's no way-"

"Rin Toh-something or other, right?" Lancer interrupted, and upon seeing Archer's flummoxed face he nodded towards a corner up ahead. "See for yourself.

Archer did so, and his mind went blank upon seeing something that simply should not be.

He was fine with Cthulhu rising up from the river.

He wouldn't even bat an eyelid if a Pegasus came soaring out of the sky with a woman in fetish gear riding it.

That would just have been strange, whereas _this_ was a travesty. And sad.

Really, a girl like Tohsaka Rin had no business wearing gogo pants, ankle-breakers and a fuzzy rhinestone-bedecked tubetop. Neglecting the fact that she was barely legal, or that she was wearing a tacky shade of pink that only the tragically desperate or cheap would dare to wear, what made all this even sadder was that the clothes had clearly been made to capitalize on assets that Rin was sadly lacking. It was just _wrong._

But even this was just one half of the equation.

Standing not far behind her, wearing an expression of pure befuddlement and uncertainty was Emiya Shirou.

The neon green, wide-brimmed fuzzy hat did not suit him. Nor did the peacock plume that was stuck into its hatstrap. The bright, shiny velvet of his pimp-robe was just a little too big from him, and so he looked more like a young man who had stolen his older brother's clothing rather than, say, someone who preyed on young women and made them into cheap toys for other men to enjoy and then destroy. No, what he most of all looked like was a wet noodle that was just waiting for the right moment to bend.

It was one of the most ridiculous things that he had ever seen. And that was what made it so sad.

"No. Damn. Way," Archer growled, and in one smooth motion he rose in his seat and leaped out of the car.

Tohsaka Rin must have heard him say this, because she turned to look right at him and froze like a deer in the headlights.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Archer demanded, full of righteous fury.

"Fishing," Rin answered sardonically, and crossed her arms in order to cover the more embarrassing aspect of her getup. "What do you _think_ I'm doing, you idiot? I'm _trying_ to do my job!"

"Your job was to talk to the press!" Archer pointed out. "That might make you feel like a whore, but you don't have to go the extra mile and _be_-"

"I was made into a real officer this morning!" Rin interjected before Archer could get any further. "This case is bigger than you think, Archer!"

"And the Emiya kid?" Archer asked, pointing over at Shirou, who looked incredibly uncomfortable to be put in the spotlight. "Why did you dress him up as the littlest pimp in history?"

"Credibility," Rin said, but not with very much conviction. She had to have known how ridiculous they looked together: the highschooler hooker and pimp, sadly out of place. They looked more like cosplay gone horribly wrong than the genuine article. "Alright, I just wanted to keep an eye on him so he doesn't do anything stupid again."

"Wha- Oh god, don't tell me- Shirou, are you _still_ dressing up as a super-hero and fighting crime?" Archer demanded, quite clearly exasperated. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"... I just want to help people," Shirou said, sounding almost embarrassed of being a masked vigilante.

"Then join the junior fire-brigade, volunteer at the hospital!" Archer growled out. "Just _stop_ trying to be a hero! You're going to get yourself killed! What would your father th-"

"Hey babe," someone interrupted and, as one, the three of them turned to face the new voice. "These guys giving you a hard time?"

The blue-haired young man was trying to smile charmingly, but this was overridden by the sad fact that he was practically wearing a sign that said "I solicit high-school hookers down at the docks, and am therefor super-skeevy". It also didn't help that he looked entirely too full of himself.

"Oh god, not this guy again," Rin sighed to herself, scowled, and then put on her best forced smile. "Oh, no. Daddy's just taking care of something for me."

"Well, how about you come with me," he said, oozing smarm. "I'll protect you."

"No you won't, kid," Archer growled out, and put himself between the two. "Because you're going to go right back to whatever hole you crawled out of and hope that I never see you again."

"Hey, back off, jackass!" the young man said with a sneer, and pulled out a balisong knife from his pocket and spun it around in quick twirls. "You don't talk that way to _me_, Shinji Matou! Once I get done with this city I'll-"

"Excuse me, did you say 'Matou?'" Lancer asked, suddenly appearing behind the young man. The way he was grinning and gripping his spear was most disconcerting.

Sadly, this was not heeded by the young fool.

"Yeah, that's right!" Shinji Matou laughed, and puffed out his chest. "The rightful heir to the Matou Family!"

"... Well, I suppose you were right, Lancer," Archer reluctantly admitted, and from seemingly nowhere a pair of white and black swords appeared. "Now then, let's get this over with. Maybe if we're quick I can start interrogating him."

"Wha- oh _no you won't!_" Rin ordered with a growl. "As a sergeant of the FCPD, I order you to do nothing of the sort!"

"... But you aren't sergeant," Archer pointed out.

"_I will be once I get done making the chief make me one!_" The young woman hissed, and stomped away. "If I come back and find that you've mistreated another witness god himself won't be able to save you!" she warned before stalking off.

"W, wait a minute, you're all cops?" Shinja asked, suddenly not so sure of himself. "Oh, _crap!_ _Rider! __**RIDER!**__ Get your slow ass out here and deal with this cretins!_" he screamed.

In answer to his desperate cries, a dagger with a chain attached to it slashed downwards and would have impaled Archer were it not for the face that he whirled around and batted the weapon away with one of his swords. Sparks erupted as metal struck metal.

"Very well then, young master," a cool female voice stated, and from out of the shadows of a nearby building a woman wearing a ridiculously short dress and a thick blindfold emerged. "Please, hurry away before someone gives you mean look. I will take care of things, as always."


	5. FOUR

**Ethereal Weapon**

_Dateline 20XX, October 4th, Fuyuki City_

_Our sympathies go out to the people of [ENTRY NOT FOUND], where the violence has recently escalated far beyond what experts have predicted. The paramilitary group [ENTRY NOT FOUND] recently advanced into the harbor town of [ENTRY NOT FOUND], which has thrown the entire region into disorder. We are reliably informed by refugees coming out of the area that the city has become warzone, and that the civilian populace now lives in constant fear._

_The escalation is thought to have been brought about by a dramatic influx of cheap weaponry provided by the weapon smuggling ring known only as "The King's Hoard". Information about this secretive organization has been scarce, and the local authorities are cracking down hard on anyone suspected of having dealing with the ring. _

_This broadcast was sponsored by the Prague Alchemy Association. The Prague Alchemy Association: because fuck Atlas._

* * *

Rider would have made Muhammad Ali very proud, because she moved like butterfly that existed in an altered state of being that caused it to move through time twice as fast as anything else and with her chain and dagger she would have made an entire hive of bees green with envy.

The harbor was filled with the sound of terrified screams as spectators fled the area to avoid getting caught up in the fight. And rightly so, because if anyone had gotten caught by one of the woman's attacks they would have been ripped to pieces.

Anyone, of course, except Archer and Lancer.

The two moved like greased lightning, and it seemed that no matter how fast or high violently the woman slashed out with her dagger, the two would effortlessly dodge or parry. Unfortunately, for the two policemen, however, Rider's speed was such that she would recover and resume her assault before either of them could close the space between her and them and negate the advantage of her weapon's range.

Strangely for someone without the use of their eyes, Rider was also very accurate. There wasn't a single strike she made that went wide of her mark: each one, if unblocked, would easily have crippled if not killed the unfortunate soul.

"How can she be this deadly without even seeing us?" Lancer asked aloud, and easily deflected a sideways slash that would have disemboweled him. There was a moment's respite as the blade careened harmlessly away, but then Rider made a complicated movement with her arms that swung the blade back towards her, around her back and then flying forwards in one ridiculously quick movement.

"I don't need eyes to know where you are," Rider informed them calmly, and dashed forward and spun in order to bring her weapon down like a whip where Archer was standing.

Archer, for his part, had seen this coming and blocked with one of his swords. However, he did so a bit further out than necessary, and so instead of blocking the blade itself he got the chain, which quickly wrapped itself around the sword. Thus entangled, he brought his other sword down hard on the length of chain and cut it cleanly.

"There," he said calmly, and allowed his half of Rider's weapon to fall uselessly to the ground. "Now that that's taken care of, why don't you answer a few questions for us?"

Rider was unperturbed by this, and simply began reeling her chain back in for a renewed strike.

"I cannot help you," she said coolly, and began twirling one end of the chain in a slow circle. "Such were not my orders."

"Jeez, why are you fighting us anyway?" Lancer asked, sounding genuinely confused. "Do you really want to save that kid? He's a _turd!_"

"That may be the case," Rider conceded, but shifted into a battle stance regardless. "But my mistress has ordered me to keep him safe, and for that reason I will not allow him to come to harm."

"Oh, I think a _little_ bit of harm might be in order, Rider," a new voice female voice said. From out of the shadows, a young woman, probably younger than even Rin and Shirou, walked slowly out of the gloom. She had purple hair, and wearing a school-uniform. "Especially when he goes out of his way to disrupt my plans to such a degree. Please, you may cease your attack."

Almost immediately Rider froze, and knelt down on her knees and lowered her gaze.

"Boss Sakura," Rider said, and retracted what was left her chain. "As you command."

Sakura's face broke into a slow, warm smile at this that would have put the rising sun to shame at this.

"Now please, go and find my brother before he gets too far, yes?" Sakura asked, pleasant as can be. "I will need to speak to him about business once I have spoken to the valiant officers here."

The two policemen watched as Rider stalked away, no doubt to obey her mistress. When she was gone, they turned their attention back towards the newcomer, this 'Boss Sakura'.

"Really, I must apologize for the trouble Rider has caused you," Sakura said, sounding genuinely remorseful about this. "I had no idea that my brother would be so foolish as to bring the attention of the law down upon him, and Rider was only supposed to prevent him from being assaulted by some local thugs. Please, allow me to introduce myself: I am Sakura Matou, current head of the Matou family."

Archer and Lancer both raised an eyebrow at this, obviously surprised that such a nice-looking girl would turn out to be the head of a crime-family. She didn't even have any scars!

"... Seriously?" Lancer said, giving voice to Archer's own disbelief. "_You're_ a crimelord? Shouldn't you be in high-school?"

"Alas, when my poor grandfather, who was our previous head, was heartlessly murdered by an unknown assailant before my very eyes, I was forced take up the mantle of leadership," Sakura answered him with a mournful voice. "And unfortunately, with my new responsibilities I simply have no time to spend on school anymore."

"I have to agree with my partner," Archer said, sounding doubtful. "I find this all to be very suspicious."

Sakura smiled warmly once more, and looked like she was about to answer. But then Rider returned, dragging Shinji Matou behind her.

"Boss Sakura," she said reverently, and bowed. "As instructed, I have found your brother."

"Ah, dear elder brother," Sakura said fondly upon seeing the young man approach, who flinched when he heard her speak. "Please, come here and join us."

"I, I'm r-really s-s-sorry, B-Boss S-Sakura," Shinji stuttered nervously, trying to edge away. "I-I didn't mean for this to happen!"

The change that came over Sakura's face was shockingly swift as her face went from serene happiness to snarling rage.

"_I said come here, not give excuses,"_ the young woman stated, her voice full of barely contained fury. It could have just been a trick of the light, but it looked like her eyes had changed to blood red. "_Now get over here before I get any angrier with you!"_

Shinji yelped with fright at her sudden anger, but he nevertheless did as he was bade. The two police officers were beginning to feel a bit sorry for the kid, but those feelings were more than outweighed by the surprise of seeing Sakura's sudden change in attitude.

Sakura's ire evaporated the moment he was at her side, once again all smiles and happiness.

"Very good, elder brother!" she said encouragingly, which seemed to calm Shinji down a bit. "Now apologize for insulting and attacking these officers, elder brother."

Shinji licked his lips nervously, clearly upset at this development. He looked like he wanted to run.

"B-but," he said nervously. "They were going to _arrest_ me! What else was I supposed to do?!"

Sakura frowned, and looked away from her brother in order to scan her surroundings. She quickly found what she was apparently looking for, and smiled.

"Rider, bring that metal rod over there, please," she asked sweetly, pointing at the object in question.

The woman swiftly obeyed, and delivered it to her mistress's waiting hand. Sakura gave the weapon a look of contemplation, and then nodded.

She looked back towards Lancer and Archer.

"You'll have to excuse me for a moment, officers," Sakura apologized politely, and gave a small bow. "I must have a moment to speak with my brother about his behavior."

She turned back to her brother, (who by now was shivering with fear,) and smiled one of the brightest smiles anyone could imagine.

"Dearest elder brother," she said sweetly. "When I tell you to do something, _you don't ask questions,"_ she told him, shouting out the last part angrily, and then swung the steel bar with all her might at Shinji's leg. There was a loud crack of bone snapping followed by a pained scream. Shinji went down like a rock, clutching his leg and rolling on the ground. Wholly unconcerned with the pain her brother was in, Sakura kicked him away from her. "_You just do it!"_

"I'm sorry!" Shinji cried out desperately, tears streaming from his eyes. "I'm sorry, so sorry, _oh god it hurts, I'm sorry!"_

"Holy crap," Lancer said, shocked at the sudden display of violence. "That bitch is batshit crazy!"

Sakura looked up from her brother's writhing in order to give Lancer a scandalized look.

"Officer Lancer!" Sakura scolded with a gasp, sounding offended. "Such language!"

"What, you're allowed to break someone's legs, but I can't tell the truth?" Lancer asked incredulously.

"I don't mind what you say about me, but please refrain from using such vulgar words!" Sakura admonished, and let the metal bar fell from her hands. It hit the pavement with a loud clang that echoed around the harbor.

"Wh, you don't like _cursing?!"_ Lancer shouted, as if the notion was completely unheard of. "What kind of a crime-lord are you?!"

Sakura put her fists on her hips, frowning slightly.

"The kind that is willing to help you with your investigations, officers," Sakura said with a huff, clearly distraught. "Provided that you do not swear anymore!"


	6. FIVE

**Ethereal Weapon**

_Dateline 20XX, October 5th, Fuyuki City_

_Fuyuki City may be in for more trouble, as local entomologists have reported a recent infestation from a new type of insect. The wasp, colloquially known as the 'Black Wing Worm", is believed to have arrived on ships out of the region of [ENTRY NOT FOUND]._

_Experts are worried about the effects that the parasitic insect will wreak upon the local wildlife, as the rapid gestation rate and life cycle promise to devastate our fauna should they gain a foothold. They have advised the mayoral office to take measures against the insect, calling for its immediate extermination._

_Untrained citizens are advised to avoid the insect if possible as its sting is highly toxic to humans, and to report any dead animals they see immediately to ensure that it does not become a breeding ground for the wasps._

_This broadcast was sponsored by the Demon Hunter's Respite Chapter. Did you parents raise you to think you were a demon hunter? Do you think that you must fight eldritch abominations in order to preserve humanity? Come to the Demon Hunter's Respite Chapter: we listen, we care. We can help you come back to reality._

* * *

"Officer Lancer, would you like some more tea?" Boss Sakura asked pleasantly, holding a fine bone china teapot.

It turns out that Sakura Matou wasn't exactly a new face in Fuyuki City. She had been living there, along with her brother and, up until a few months ago, her late grandfather in a mansion in one of the better regions of the city.

"No thanks, I'm good for now," Lancer said easily, by now having fully acclimatized to the idea that the smiling girl in front of him was also a ruthless, psychopathic crime-lord. "Although if you had some ale or wine, I wouldn't hesitate to drink with such a pretty young woman."

"Oh, Officer Lancer!" Sakura said, and giggled. "I'm sure you wouldn't ask for alcohol from a minor!"

"Miss Matou," Archer said patiently. "While I'm glad that you're so enthusiastic about cooperating with us, do you think it would be possible to get on to the actual cooperation?"

"Ah, you're certainly right, Officer Archer," Boss Sakura agreed, nodding as she did. "I'm terribly sorry for my bad manners, but I don't have guests very often and I wanted to enjoy it as much as I could. But before I begin, might I ask who told you to seek out my family?"

Archer debated for a moment whether or not to tell her, but quickly decided that protecting Gilgamesh was first on a long list of things he would rather cut his own hands off rather than do.

"Gilgamesh Godschild," he said. "He told us that you had recently arrived, and that you would know something about the whereabouts of Ilyasviel Von Einzbern."

Sakura did her amazing trick where she went from a sweet young woman to a psychotic criminal in the space of a second, causing the teacup in her hands to shatter as rage overtook her.

"_Oh that little __weasel__,"_ Sakura growled out, dropping her façade of sweetness. "_So he thought to sic you on us, did he? He's too arrogant by far. But the Matou have a spider's patience, and we will have the last laugh!"_

The tea from her broken cup spilled onto the table and from there onto her dress, which seemed to be enough to snap her out of her angry state. She looked down in surprise.

"Oh, _sugar!_" She gasped, and tried to dry herself off as best she could. "I'm so sorry about this, officers! I sometimes just, well, lose my temper!"

"That's perfectly fine, miss Matou," Archer reassured her. "Both my partner and I are used to dealing with such things."

"Oh, _yeah_," Lancer agreed loftily, smiling widely. "S'cathy could be a regular psychopath when she was on the rag. Or when she has to drag me outta someone else's bed, or-"

"_Thank you_, Lancer. That will be all," Archer interrupted quickly, eager to put an end to what was promising to be a long list of debaucheries. "Please, do you have any information for us?"

"Oh, _yes_," Sakura said with more than a little vindication. "I'm sorry to say that I can't tell you anything for certain about Miss Ilyasviel, but I _can_ tell you about the recent string of kidnappings going on in the city. I think you can agree with me when I say that it is very likely that the two are connected, yes?"

"The thought _had_ crossed my mind," Lancer said thoughtfully. "It does sound kinda suspicious: one little girl goes missing after a lot of other kids? It's obvious."

"... It is possible," Archer agreed, somewhat reluctantly. "What can you tell us about the kidnappings?"

Sakura beamed brightly, pleased that the two were willing to listen to her.

"Tell me, Officer Archer, what do you know about the priest Kirei Kotomine?"

Archer raised an eyebrow at this, uncertain as to where Sakura was going with this.

"Kirei Kotomine. A representative and executor of the Eighth Sacrament Assembly, founder of the "Soup, Soap and Solace"-charity fund for humanitarian aid in war-torn countries," he recited clinically. "Why? What does he have to do with all this?"

"Kirei Kotomine sends a lot more than just food and medicine to conflict-regions, Officer Archer." Sakura said cryptically, and poured herself a new cup of time.

"Are you saying that he's sending _children_?" Lancer said with open disgust.

"Oh, I'm sure he _would_ if he thought it would be amusing, but he hasn't yet. Not to my knowledge, anyways," Sakura corrected him. "But I think it would be best if you discovered this on your own. I would like to keep my name as far away from the law as possible. I'm sure you understand: my reputation would be _ruined!_"

"I can just imagine," Archer said drolly, rolling his eyes. "Thank you for your information, Miss Matou."

"It was my pleasure, officers," the girl replied with a smile. "And please, do not hesitate to come back if you ever require my help. I wish only to help keep order."

"Wait, what?" Lancer said in disbelief. "Really? We're off to chase after someone else _again_? What the hell is this, some kind of elaborate fetch-quest? This is BS! We haven't stabbed _anything_ yet!"

"Oh, Officer Lancer!" Sakura admonished, and then grinned wickedly. "The day is still young! I'm sure you'll find _someone_ before it ends!"


End file.
